Hi All!

I came to know about Kiran from Internet as I am seeking help from such an organisation but am unaware of what kind of service they provide, whether they do charge money for their service, how do they help ladies to become self-sufficient and live a decent life - is there any base to their such commitment? I am into an abusive marriage and want to come out of it but dont want to bring the laundry into public. I know no one in US and no place to live, with no money in hand, just planning to go out of the marriage decently and start my life a fresh. Can any one please throw some light on Kiran or any such organization who can be of help?

Thanks to all of you for reading my thread and thanks for your reply.

kd

khushi wrote:


1. Without much money and support from family (you said you have no local support), what other choices are you considering, or have?

2. What is more important for you? - continuing in an abusive relationship or standing up for yourself even if it means bringing the proverbial dirty laundry out in public view.

3. Divorces are not a taboo in the US and even back home they are getting more and more acceptable in the society. Now, even in India, divorced women do get remarried.

4. Kiran will first get you out of your abusive relationship, file charges against your husband on your behalf, but I doubt they alone can make you self-sufficient. They can put you in a training program, paid for by their charitable donations, but without effort from your end, they can't do much. For financial independence, you either need a job or a big alimony.

So, stop worrying about verifying Kiran's claims before getting help. You need help now, not later.

First things first: If you really are in a situation as described in your post, then even before calling anyone - you must secure your passport, marriage docs/pictures, medical insurance cards, bank statements etc and any other relevant documentation right-away. Take pictures of any phyical abuse. Keep it with someone whom you trust. Make copies of it - scan it and email it to yourself just in-case. Kinko's is one of the place to go for making copies/scanning. Go to a library in case you don't have internet/computer access.

Try to journal the date/time of all the physical/mental abuse brought on you.

Without knowing your visa/legal status, one thing is sure that since you are married to someone who is based in US, that means most likely & least you should be a legal-dependent of your husband. That itself gives you enough rights over here in this country - for monetary (boarding, medical) compensation.

There are couple of members on this forum who have been closely involved with Kiran - of course their experience was very unpleasant (as what we have read) - but they are genuinely good people who can help you if you contact them directly. (Search for Kiran on this forum and read-up the threads)

No, you need not bring your laundry in public - but still share some vital details that will help other members provide you relevant advice, in-case you need some.

Good Luck!
-sanju


khushi wrote:

Hi!

Thanks Samosa and Sanju for your time and reply. I am trying to be true to myself and to my situation. Am not sure whether I might lose any help from Kiran/other NPO because of my candid thread but I cannot and will not tell a lie.

1. I do possess all my papers and documents including marriage papers, SSN, GC.
2. I do not have any joint bank account but have my own account which does not have any money though
3. I do not have any joint/solo credit card or loan or medical/life insurance.
4. He is an Indian by birth but an US citizen and I got my GC with 10 year validity.
5. There has not been any physical abuse so far but only mental or verbal abuse which I think he does out of frustration because of his financial situation (he is jobless for over 3 years now) and the obligations he has from his earlier marriage (got 3 kids from previous marriage) and that is the reason I do not blame him but my fate that I made the choice to get married to him. So, do not have any proof of his abuse but all are memorized in my cerebrum.
6. I do not consider him as a devil but I cannot take the suffocation any more and need help to come out of it.
7. I do not want to become a burden on anyone and I have no taboo to get remarried too but first thing first, get out of this marriage and be self-sufficient, thats what I am looking at now.
8. I am ready to look for job or get trained but allimony is a big no-no.

Please let me know if you need any other detail.

Looking forward to hear from you.

Thanks again.

KD

Khushi wrote:


How long have you guys been married for?

4 years. but how does that matter?

Khushi wrote:


Just wondering if the guy has been unemployed for 3 out of last 4 years, how has he been supporting you? It does not seem that you have a job either (quote "I am ready to look for job or get trained").

although none of my beeswax!!

Hi Khushi,

After reading your post which provides quite an insight and commend your guts to share with us, looks like you are a victim more of the economic trouble this country is facing rather than marital issues.

It's been very tough in this economy to get a job and has put an extra stress on many families like yours.

Some of the points esp #6 you mentioned shows that you understand these issues and don't blame your husband entirely for the situation.

Personally, I'd suggest you to try to have a 1:1 with your husband on the issues you are facing, try to get some elderly from family involved as a second step. Maybe a trip to India to your family will give you some space to think rationally and see if there's still some hope left in your relation.

Being a GC holder and with good communication skills, you can apply for jobs based on your existing skill sets. Banks, big grocery stores, fast-food chains are always looking for help. If you are technical-savvy, then you can get into tech-support jobs with little bit of training.

-sanju


Khushi wrote:

sanjus wrote:


LOL ... Do you really think that 15 million unemployed Americans can't find a job because they either need sponsorship or can't speak English?

Sanju,

Well said. Khusi, always talking and being open with your husband is good.4 yrs is still not enough to get a well understanding relationship with your husband. It sometimes takes more than 5 yrs. To have a understanding and a balanced family you need to sacrifice lot of things. I feel you need some more time understanding and building relationship rather than thinking about breaking the relationship.

sanjus wrote:

Agree with Sanju on 2 points - You are victim of economy and you both should talk with an elder person. It would be good if that elder person has been in a happy married life for about 25 years.

You mentioned that your husband is a good person. You should sit down and have a serious discussion around finance. You may save the marriage and ride through the bad times by both taking up jobs that pays less. You may strengthen your family and be happier. If your husband does not agree or understand then you can think of standing by yourself.

We think of Americans as free birds. But, they stick to their partners even when one of them gets disabled and the other one has to be pull the whole load. If you look at successful Americans, very huge percentage of them are married and stick to each other through thick and thin.

10% of the population is unemployed. But, 90% (way bigger chunk) is still employed. Getting a GOOD job is very difficult, but getting a job to put the bread on the table may not be as difficult as others think.

When one gets married to a US citizen, he/she gets a conditional GC. This is to ensure that the marriage is not a coduit to fraudulently obtain a GC. Later, after several meetings, when the USCIS guys are satisfied, the GC is converted to a 10 yr (regular) GC with no conditions attached. If you have kids together, it takes about 2 years to get the condition removed, otherwise it could take longer.

Does this woman have kids with this guy? If not, I suppose one must look at the timing of this need for separation. If this is happening soon after this woman has gotten the condition removed from her GC, it seems like the marriage was an agreement to secure GC. Some US citizens do this to get paid a monthly stipend from the immigrant.

Fun! Fun!! Fun!!!

Thanks to this FORUM that I am speaking/sharing my situation. It feels like I am talking to my family/friend, trust me.

Dear Sanju and BD!

Thanks for your thoughtful leads. I would say your inference is partially true. But, FYI, we sat together many a times but all were fruitless because the bottomline was his ex and her demands which were on top of his priority list for the very understandable reason of his kids; he could not find any solution but to bend as she wanted him to. She being the native american had always an advantage over him and he was always scared of her. I tried to understand gravity of the situation and his position too but when I realized my understanding nature was being taken for granted, I decided to quit. His family and mine, both came into the scene but it dint help much. Days were rotating in a vicious cycle. I could not find any other way out to get rid of the humiliation. Only a woman can understand how it feels when one sees her husband acting spineless in front of another woman. I was never on his priority list. If I were, things could have worked out I believe. Tell me, what other way I can opt.

BTW, for the persons who judge all fingers with same law, I just feel pity for them. Not everybody is here in this forum to find FUN.

Thanks to all of you friends.

Looking forward.

KD

khushi wrote:


It took you 4 years, but finally you figured it out. LOL

KD - looks like you were surely one step ahead of our thoughts

Were you aware of the first marriage before you decided to tie the knot?

Not that I am a proponent of divorce, but seems like you have exhausted all your resources and avenues and nothing seems to be working out - again this is just my inferences based on what you have mentioned. (I am not trying to be judgemental) In which case you have to do what's right for you and move-on.

As you have mentioned that you are not after any alimony, can your husband and you sit down and amicably dicsuss the seperation?

Good luck,
-sanju

khushi wrote:

Khushi -

Kiran provides services that are non-judgmental and totally confidential. You can call the hotline to talk to a TRAINED volunteer or staffmember 24-7, and they will be there to help you, or just listen. You are never told what to do by the organization - they allow you to make your own choice, and support you in those choices. The model of the organization is not to break up families, but they also believe in the safety of their clients.

If you have any questions you can call the hotline number at 1-877-NCKIRAN. You don't have to give your real name if you don't feel comfortable. Before you take the advice of someone that has heard about the organization and services from a third party, try for yourself. You have nothing to lose.

CupofChai:

If you lookup some of the comments made by AT'ers who were either directly attached or were directly impacted with this Organization that you are advocating on this forum, there have been some air-of-apprehension on what you are mentioning.

& your last quote seems straight out of some infomercial.

sanjus wrote:


One of the guy's wife had approached Kiran to get out of her abusive marriage. So, anything he writes against Kiran actually confirms that social workers at Kiran are doing their job. Get it?

Although, as you and others have noted, OP does not seem like a victim of abusive relationship.

Sanjus and Manoj -

No organization is perfect - and I say that with experience from working with and volunteering with many nonprofit organizations both here in the US, and in India. My point is, that Khushi is seeking validation from the public for settling her matter. And I agree with some of the other advice - about trusting and elder - but sometimes that is not enough. Violence, "Domestic Violence" is the use of power and control over another human being - it does not have to be physical, like a "slap." to have an impact. There are many ways to exert control over another human being - you can use economics, intimidation, threats to take children away, threats to not file immigration paperwork, etc.

I sound like an infomercial because I know the issue well. Guidance from the community is important, especially in our culture. However, no one can look inside of you to tell you if you are happy or not, or if someone is intimidating you or hurting you or not. Everyone has a different boundary as to what they can take and not take.

I mentioned the hotline b/c the overwhelming job of an organization like Kiran is just to listen. Some people don't want to act, they just need an ear. If you're bringing an issue like a personal violent relationship to a public forum like AT, why not to a confidential hotline where people are TRAINED on how to listen?

Ultimately the choice belongs to Khushi - the solution to violence in the home is not only organizations like Kiran, but a supportive family, community, friends and loved ones who care. Coming to Kiran is one step in the process of healing/dealing - it's not a panacea.

Khushi was very brave by bringing her concerns to the community at AT - we may all have an opinion on the "right and wrong" way for her to proceed - but it's her journey.

I would also like to say that if out of 100's of clients that Kiran has served over the years, if only a handful of people are naysayers - you have to wonder what is going on with all of the other people who have been directly and indirectly impacted by the work they do. It can't be all bad. It may not be perfect - but it's a start.

I think it would be nice for Kiran staff to attend one of your picnics and do a short presentation and Q/A so that you all can ask directly what the organization is doing and not doing. Ask the questions you want to instead of speculating or going on third-party information.

cupofchai,

In one of the Desi get-together, discussion about Kiran came up. What I heard was, Kiran influences girls to believe that they are being tortured and they are the victims of "Domestic Violence". Kiran then influence them to get divorce and leave them without the support later.

Proving some one is doing a wrong thing is very easy. Mahatma Gandhi influenced Millions of people to act against Government. He exerted pressure, used economics (salt satyagrah, didn't buy clothes) and used intimidation (protests..). What he did was the right thing. However, one CAN prove that he did the wrong thing.

Kiran is probably doing good work in most cases. But, my friends did not think that way. If I have to believe Kiran, I have to hear more positive things about Kiran.